


It's Too Intense

by TheGoodKindOfTrash



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A super late Davekat fanfic, Child Abuse, Dave is super depressed and anxious, I Tried, M/M, Post-Game, Sadstuck, Vent story, not really that sad, sigh, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 01:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoodKindOfTrash/pseuds/TheGoodKindOfTrash
Summary: Dave has been getting better at being open and being himself. Life is way better now than before now that the game is over. He has way more happy moments now than when he was a child.But his mind decided it just couldn't  let him be happy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I wrote about for sadstuck day for Davekat Week. I just never uploaded it or anything else because I forgot and this week just hasn't been that great. I literally woke up in a panic as I remembered I had stuff to upload. Not sure why I panicked so much but I did. 
> 
>  
> 
> This isn't that sad, actually. It's more like me making Dave feel most of the emotions I had/am having. It was sort of a vent.
> 
>  
> 
> why am I sharing this on the Internet IDK I need to be STOPPED

You hate the sound of metal scrapping against metal. It hurts your head, makes you grind your teeth together and stand rigid, alert, ready. You hate the feeling of being watched, your paranoia of being recorded following you around to this day. You still have a phobia of puppets, afraid they'll trail behind you, then zip from one corner to the next, silent, eyes tracking your movement, set to attack at any moment. You still hoard food in the closet, a habit you doubt you'll grow out of at this point. You still keep a stoic expression as often as possible, still push people away when you need them most, you get so low, then you get too panicked, then emptied, you're still a liar, a coward, a pussy, a waste space, breath, time, light, love, blood. No one should have to put up with your bullshit. 

It's been years since the game ended, years since Bro died, since earth was destroyed and you didn't have to deal with it anymore, and yet he's still here. You wish you would just move on. 

You know he can't even touch you anymore, but you still have nightmares. Karkat's always there to comfort you, large frame and larger heart give you some comfort, but right now you're sort of thankful he isn't here because you're overwhelmed with those same feelings that you feel you were born with. They kept coming and going, but then for a little while they stopped. You thought you were better but then life punched you in the dick and you're back at it again. These feelings are because of one of your many problems Rose, everyone's lovely therapist, had called "depression". And it makes you feel terrible or nothing at all. It's like you're drowning from the inside and you can't get out so you're stuck until your body either gives you a break or you suffocate and die. You feel heavy and disconnected. Everything feels wrong. 

You have so many thoughts that leave you guilty and disgusted. A constant one is the irritation you feel towards everything and everyone at random times, where you want them to leave because you can't make them laugh anymore, can't even pretend to be your smoothly awkward self everyone loves because you ran out of energy. They probably didn't even like you then, so fuck the idea of seeing them now. Another real winner is the memory of the slight relief you felt when Bro died, then the guilt over that, then the conflicted feelings you had when you realized that no matter what you still loved him because he was your BRO, the closest thing you had as a parent. Then that leads you right into frustration avenue when you find yourself linking all your problems to your childhood because your abuse (another thing Rose says) had apparently affected you so much but you don't WANT that to be your main characteristic trait, to be who you ARE. You just want to be some random guy, not this shitty mess you are, constantly finding yourself in a situation where you don't know what to feel so you end up feeling like a wave if that was possible. You're too intense of a person, too difficult to deal with, and you want to be okay but you don't know how and it's just too much. 

But, the most shameful thought you've had was thinking that maybe you didn't love Karkat anymore. It's was the one thing you refuse to share. It scares you. 

Karkat is amazing, even if he doesn't seem to get it. You don't know how he can't. He's kind, smart, loving, funny, not to mention handsome. Those first grader words are only a little peek of the person you trust the most. Karkat understands you, respects you, loves you. Karkat, while graceless and overly blunt sometimes, is a person someone can't help but like. He's not perfect, not at all, but that makes him better in your eyes. But sometimes even he can't make you happy, no matter how much he tries. It's not like he doesn't satisfy you and you want more, but more like you can't enjoy or be happy with much of anything sometimes. And if you can't feel happy even when he's around, do you really love Karkat? You hope you do. Because if you don't love Karkat then you didn't have anything. 

Life is, in short, difficult right now. You're back to the point where you don't want to live, but you aren't suicidal. You just want to stop putting in effort with waking, talking, breathing, being, to lay down and sleep forever but instead you're stuck in a zombie-like state, trying to blend in and go with the flow while you're stuck in the invisible vat of jello, and as time goes on it starts getting as heavy as syrup, worse and worse, slowly hardening into cement, movements getting slower and slower, more constricted, until you get like this, until you can't move anymore.

Before today you still ate though, little dorito bags coupled with apple juice mostly, then when you ate a full meal you did it as though it was your last. Eating gave you some objective, and that's what you want, you guess. A purpose. To feel like you matter. But today you don't really care about that either, you guess.

Your friends and family say you matter to them, slipping it in as casually as they can but you don't believe them because they know that's what you want to hear. You know it's silly, but then comes the thought that you're fooling yourself, they just pity you, they feel sorry for your little bony ass because you have daddy-issues. If he could be considered your father. Shits fucking complicated. Something Rose would have a field day with, if you talked to her about it longer. But she has patience. You're just something she has to figure out and fix. Just a broken cuckoo clock she can't wait to put back together and show off. 

You haven't left your can house, or your bed, for the entire day. Apparently that's the last straw before a tear slips from your eye. Eyes. A whole other topic you could go on for hours about, but at this point you've thought so much that your brain feels fried and you can't quite make a clear thought. You're crying, but not really because you feel sad. It feels worse, so much worse, like if choking, fog, and clay was an emotion, but also if you were just the solid manifestation of nothing. It's confusing. So you let yourself cry. It makes you feel more human, as soap opera-ish as it sounds. 

You don't even notice when Karkat comes home. He's a political figure who cares too much over shit, and he wasn't supposed to come home until late at night. Maybe it is night, you sure as hell wouldn't know because you've been a bitching sad sack all day. You don't know what time it is. Right now you could do without the irony. Kind of wish you cleaned yourself up though. You know he has days, weeks, months like this too. He doesn't need your self-loathing on top of everything. You're insensitive, knowing you should get up before he sees and gets concerned, but you don't. It's like you're waiting for him to come into the room, to see you all depressed. Maybe you do. Maybe you want to talk to him, to bother him like the selfish parasite you know you are. So you stay and wait in bed as he calls out for you. 

When you hear him start to walk upstairs, your heart starts to beat a little faster. By the time he comes into the bedroom, even your tongue is pulsing. You watch him behind your shades in embarrassment as his face morphs forms from one of annoyance to one of worry. You become very self conscious over the fact that your face is tearstained, your shades lopsided, thin lean frame just in your boxers, hair a tangled mess, and you think just maybe you can pretend you were sleeping this entire time, that everything is all okay and-  
"DAVE."  
Shit. It's cool. You can save this as long as you don't move and close your eyes in case he takes your shades. If anything he may ask in the morning to make sure you're alright because he's a big cinnamon roll. You're already thinking about what you're going to say as you try to relax your body and keep your breaths steady.

He's not buying your charade. In fact, he's returning it to the store aggressively with a resoundingly strong "NO THANKS" because its damaged goods. He's demanding his money back because of how intensely he refuses to buy it, not even if it was on clearance. You don't know how he knows not to buy it, but he's always been a smart shopper.

He stares at you for a little bit and then decides to take up the empty side of the bed, silent, near you but not right next to you and grabs your hand, giving you space but not quite leaving you alone. You appreciate that. 

But you think you've had enough time by yourself. You move a little closer to him, actions a bit stiff, scared of rejection. He accepts, slowly starting to hug you in case you change your mind, eventually holding you close, and wow it feels nice. You should know by now he won't turn you away. Tomorrow you'll probably talk about this, but today you're both tired. 

Karkat may not always make you happy or excited, but he always makes you feel comfort, loved, cared for. He makes you feel more real. He loves you  
And you love him.  
And you don't want to doubt it again.


End file.
